Wonderland
by BICaRdiBrEeZa
Summary: Rambling thoughts during season one. Because i always felt like Serena was written really weirdly on the show, i like to think she's more complex than the show portrays her to be.


_**My names not Alice but I know how she felt,  
When her world started turning into something else. **_

Walking along the streets of New York wasted off cosmopolitans and utterly baked used to be Serena's favorite thing to do.

The noise of taxi engines, people yelling and the click of her heels on the pavement all merged into one loud hum in her brain, light had no beginning and no ending and the darkness that usually surrounded her was nowhere to be found.

Blair, pretty little delicate Blair would call out her name and tug on her arm and ask her how much she had to drink, and if she took anything Chuck or Georgie had offered her and Serena would giggle and shake her head even if the answer was yes.

Serena would spin around in circles and her arms would swing wildly around hitting Blair at random intervals.

"Sorry, sorry sorry! Did I hurt you B?" Serena would ask sadly and rub her best friend's arm apologetically.

"Don't worry about it," Blair would mutter still trying fiercely to force Serena into the front door of her building.

Everything was better when the world was spinning around; there was no wrong and no right, just an indescribable feeling of warmth.

When Serena looks at the world she sees everything in black and white but at night she dreams of vivid colors, bright reds, deep blues and luscious greens.

--

Sitting in the classroom she tries to keep focusing on the blackboard with the same intense concentration the fox-like brunette beside her is, but she can't.

Serena finds herself looking Nathaniel Archibald's way; for some reason they both turn to watch Blair for a second and then Nate's eyes find Serena once more and he rolls them playfully at Blair's diligence.

Serena sends him back a lopsided smile and pokes her tongue out.

Serena feels like she'll never be as smart, or as dedicated as Blair Waldorf.

So she doesn't try anymore, she can't even be bothered competing with Blair for the teachers attention.

Besides, she doesn't _need_ to be smart, she's drop dead _gorgeous_.

At least that's what everyone tells her, over and over again; until she wants to cut off all her hair and get a huge bull ring put through her nose to make people see there's more to someone than what is on the outside.

--

The first time she tries cocaine she knows she's doing something she doesn't really want too, but Chuck Bass is there calling her a pussy and Georgina Sparks is stroking her hair and telling her the senior boys won't date her if she doesn't show them she's not a little girl anymore.

So she does it, and after the first time it's really easy to forget that she's doing something bad.

When Lily runs towards her bed at the hospital Serena wishes she'd never done what she did.

But for the first time in over three months her father calls. It's not his sectary or his new twenty year old girlfriend calling to say he won't make it for another holiday, it's the real _him_.

And he says he's _worried_ about her.

There's a weird feeling that rises in Serena's stomach, like melting butter. So this is how it works, she finally understands, this is what it takes to get he's attention.

--

Six months later when she's sitting at the dining table with her mom and her mom's fourth, no third husband? (She can't remember much anymore) And they are all waiting for Eric to come down stairs, Serena just started shaking. Like _uncontrollably_ shaking, the fork next to her hand started making a little dinging noise with each violent tremble that vibrates up her spine and Lily sends her an annoyed glare.

"Excuse me," Serena said in an airy voice she didn't even recognize, "I'm not feeling very hungry."

When she locked the door to the bathroom she felt something running down her nose and notices red drops of blood splattered on her hand.

"B," Serena sobs into her cell phone, "I need you."

--

Nate's a sloppy, clumsy kisser and when he whispers she's perfect in her ear there's little she can do to stop herself from reacting to his touch.

Serena's always wondered what it would feel like to have Nate's strong tanned arms around her waist. And then an image of Blair, pretty little delicate Blair, swirls around her head and makes her wonder why she has to ruin everything in her life.

Blair's the best thing about her life right now, and maybe that's why it's _Nate_ that she's making out with on the bar stool of a wedding she can't remember attending.

--

Serena's all better now though, and she's trying so hard to make people understand that she's not that girl anymore.

The one who stumbled around Manhattan drunk (or worse) letting strangers in nightclubs put their hands up her top (or much worse).

She hasn't ever told anyone (besides Blair of course) about the effects of her partying, the shaking episodes or the bloody noses, because she's so ashamed of how she treated herself.

And even more ashamed of how she treated the people around her.

When she think about what she _did_ with Nate and how much it would hurt Blair to know the truth, she cries herself to sleep at night.

---

Dan Humphrey is a dork. Such a total and utter dork.

But he makes Serena smile, and not from cheesy pick up lines like Chuck or because like Nate he's saying something stupid that make no sense, but because he simply wants to see _her face light_ _up_.

Serena doesn't feel like she deserves him, and maybe after everything she's done, she doesn't.

At first it's just a crush, but soon enough it's become the scariest thing about her new life.

Dan's unwavering brown eyes look deep into her own and suddenly she can't find a voice for all her concerns.

Serena really loves someone, other than her brother and Blair, but she also knows giving people that much power over you can be dangerous.

Her father _unintentionally_ taught her that.

She's guarded around him but it makes no difference because Dan is so unconditionally devoted to her. And soon enough she forgets all about trying to protect her heart.


End file.
